I think most of us are familiar with this scenario:

 

RING! The first period bell chimes, marking the sound of freedom. I happily grab my bag, sprint out the door, and meet my friend so we can walk together to our next period. Then, taking a deep breath in, we merge with the incoming traffic of a hundred teenage bodies going in all kinds of directions. 

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Okay, it’s okay. We got this. It’s just one hallway, how bad can it be? I ask, as I’m body checked by a six-foot-tall ninth grader. 

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Okay, it’s okay. Everything is fine. Wait, where did my friend go? 

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Answer: Also being body checked by a six-foot-tall ninth grader.

 

We link hands, trying to not to be separated as people are trying to squeeze through opposite to the general flow. It’s hard to breathe. It feels like the walls are closing in…

Wait, why did the kids in front of me stop?

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Answer: Because an assemblage of boys dressed in similar fashion decided to stop in the middle of the hallway to fist bump each other, ignoring the fact that there are people trying to move past them. It’s like an infinite blockade: when you try to move around, they inevitably realize they need one more fist-bump and block you again. 

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I’m going to be late for class. 

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Someone steps on my shoe. 

 

So. To prevent future trauma, I have provided some solutions. 

 

First, I think we should add lanes on the floors, like those they have on actual roads (see: Britannia Road and/or Erin Mills Parkway). Yellow line for opposite direction, dotted white line signalling “merging is allowed.” This way, we reduce the amount of body checking as traffic flow is organized. 

 

Second, I think we should implement traffic lights in the halls, to add further order. Body-checking is a serious problem that students face everyday, and by having traffic lights, we can reduce the amount of collisions, as well as fatalities. 

 

Third, there should be a designated area for fist-bumping assemblages. Perhaps a circular glass wall, like those featured in aquariums, should be installed right in the center of the hallway. The transparency of the glass will allow for easy public viewing of the fist-bumping, shoving, high fiving, etc, that the assemblage so desperately desires. However, the wall will allow the event to be contained in a private space that will allow us other students to navigate around the festivities. 

 

Finally, I firmly believe there should be a two-student-maximum-in-the-hallways-at-all-times rule, enforced by all the teachers, including our very own principal. This rule would reduce congestion immensely, as two students would have to try very hard to block each other's way in our wide hallways. Three students, to contrast, would be way too many. Three students would inevitably risk an assemblage forming in the halls, ruining the utopia I have installed (see: Fist-bumping and Hallway-rial Plaque, Congestion, and Disease). Other students would have to wait until the two students make it to their next period class. Only then, will the next pair be given confirmation to proceed, as well as a hallway pass to be worn around the neck (made of pure iron, to help with poor posture), provided by their teachers.

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If this two-student-max is broken, students may face the following consequences:

 

• Detention 

• Suspension

• Public Humiliation by TikTok dance (Must be appropriate and approved by the Peel Board)

• Removal of Aquarium Viewership Privileges (No viewing the fist-bumping festivities)

• Expulsion 

• Hallway ban until graduation (students must find their own accommodations to move from class to class, teleportation is recommended)

 

Final Thoughts.

I have clearly outlined some solutions that should be implemented within our high school to prevent traumatic hallway experiences. I believe these ideas, if incorporated, will greatly benefit the student body, increase overall happiness, and lay a foundation hallway etiquette in their future lives (university will not be so lenient). Hallway etiquette is a must for all teenagers, and by utilizing my suggestions, our hallways will become a better place for all.